I’ve been quiet here since I’ve been traveling, driving solo from DC to LA, but the other night I had the happy experience of an evening with Sarah and Micah Murray, and we talked a lot about our stories and processing the conservative Christian world we’ve come out of. And I had a flash of epiphany this morning as I drove away, so you’re getting an Immodesty Rail post instead of a happy-Hannah travelogue post.

***

When I started courting, I was hyper aware of how everyone else I knew had done this thing, what the stories in Josh Harris’s books showed as the “godly” ways to “walk out” their courtship in “good faith,” and what was necessary for having a healthy romantic relationship. Or at least, I knew what I thought a healthy relationship should look like and I had a pretty good idea of how to make mine look like a happy, godly thing for others to later emulate. This wasn’t conscious — this was just SGM culture.

See, the overall focus of everything in SGM (for me) was: be a good example for others. Every piece of my teenage and college years was set up in reaction to either 1) what my elders would think, and 2) what those younger than me would interpret as license to mimic if they watched my behavior.

Welcome to legalism.

And my ex, being who he is, was also really aware of what was and wasn’t socially acceptable in these circles. As a result (because, luckily for me, I was also aware that I was dating a person), I was tuned into this, too.

Given what we saw modeled for us in courtship culture (and, honestly, serious/”mature” Christian dating culture overall), his initial behavior as my boyfriend was much like this:

From xkcd

And it seemed like the reason he did this (well, the primary reason), was because of the culture in our Christian community where everyone assumed responsibility for policing each other (accountability) and thus you had to behave a certain way to assure everyone that you were being “above reproach” and “mature” and “godly” with your relationship choices. It was basically dating as social performance art.

Being uber happy with your new relationship — in a verbal performance sort of way, because physical demonstrations were too risky/sinful — was the best way to keep everyone off your back. I think, maybe, I engaged in this a lot more than he did. I’d be aware of the social expectations and talk up the positive things in our relationship and try to gloss over or tone down the negative elements. I felt compelled to talk about things that were too intimate to appropriately share (swapping dirt with your girl friends is one thing, but it’s entirely another to share that stuff with everyone to try to preemptively keep them from being “concerned” about you), and it drained me a lot. I felt like I was always on the defensive, needing to justify my relationship and my choices.

I’m not actively assigning motives here, but after all of that I tend to wonder a bit about why courting (or newly dating post-fundy life, or even newlyweds from this background!) couples tend to frequently feel the need to spam social media with announcements of how happy they are, how grateful they are for their bf/gf, how blessed and undeserving they are in/of the relationship. And I don’t really care about PDA if it doesn’t seem like a performance to make a statement.

But that all brings me to the problem with this defensive reaction to accountability in a legalistic atmosphere. Your simple motives aren’t good enough, and you are forced to second-guess yourself and over-think things to the point of cultivating insecurity and codependency. Decisions are made by committee — you talk yourself blue in the face telling everyone you know about your decision dilemmas, and ask endless questions about motives and fears, and then take steps based on where you are at the end of the accountability gauntlet. And advice from mentors and peers and parents is great, but this isn’t that. It’s losing yourself and appropriate sense of boundaries and privacy for the sake of fear, and you often forget to enjoy the ride of a new experience because you’re so afraid you’re doing the wrong thing.

I missed a lot of the joy in various “firsts” because I was so busy over-thinking everything and tense and afraid of doing the wrong thing. And that’s just silly. Dating is supposed to be about learning, not getting everything right the first time.

Why are Christians so afraid of making wrong choices and learning through mistakes? If we’re a practicing a faith that’s centered in grace and redemption, we shouldn’t be obsessing over having the Instagram-perfect, thoroughly “accountable” relationships like in the glossy courtship books our parents handed us. We should be enjoying learning about the beautiful things that can be had in community and learning about ourselves and each other, without fear.

***

All that said, I doubt I’ll ever recommend a relationship book to anyone ever again. Instead, I’ll shove a copy of Daring Greatly in their face and grin and say “this will change your life.”


  • Dave Ketter

    A-freakin-men. I didn’t grow up with the committee or court-by-proxy but I definitely had my run-ins with it and I didn’t question it sufficiently. So glad I’m not dragging it into my relationship now.

  • Yes!

  • Yes, Daring Greatly! Do you think there’s an intersection here between Christian legalism and a wider trend? I see all sorts of folks performing our lives into visions of “acceptable” or “desirable” or “successful.” And I see all sorts of relationships kept out of the depths of authenticity by fear of being abnormal, whatever abnormal is in a particular subculture. Dare greatly, world, please, dare greatly! What do you think?

  • PseudoDiva

    THANK YOU.

  • PseudoDiva

    I’m back, because I have been thinking about this ALL WEEK. It is so frustrating to see these kinds of posts. Maybe I just project, but some of it is definitely related to the factors you mentioned. It’s so nice to not feel alone.

  • You mean it’s okay to make mistakes!!

  • Steve W

    I have a blog (not made a new entry recently) that critique’s Josh Harris’s books:

    http://www.ikdg.wordpress.com

    The title of my blog is “I Kissed Dating Goodbye: Wisdom or Foolishness?” As the title implies I think it has both. What is sad with so many that promote this “alternative” including Josh Harris is their reluctance to admit the problems it has created. They are quick to say how bad dating supposedly is and that it should be avoided but won’t KDG and courtship have caused a number of problems.

    One big problem I have seen that it teaches singles to avoid relating to those of the opposite sex vs. learning how to relate.

    Josh Harris did give a few messages to CLC on problems he saw there (like 6 years ago) but hasn’t discussed these on his blog. It is almost like Harris is reluctant to share the problems due to his book on “kissing dating goodbye” brining him to such prominence.

    Ironically 2 of the couples featured in Harris’s “Boy Meets Girl” book are now divorced. I guess KDG and “courtship” aren’t as perfect as Harris and others lead people to believe.

    Glad to see you blogging about the problems but sorry you had to experience them.